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Julenissens fysikk
Mange lever i god tro om at nissen finnes. Og det kan godt være. Men mulighetene for at han skal rekke rundt til all verdens barn er mindre sannsynlig. Ta en titt på dette:

Flyvende reinsdyr
Ingen kjente reinsdyrarter kan fly. Men det er 300 000 arter av levende organismer som ikke har blitt klassifisert ennå, og selv om de fleste av disse er insekter og bakterier, stenger ikke dette ute flyvende reinsdyr som bare julenissen har sett.

Barn
Det er 2 milliarder barn (personer under 18 år) i verden. Ettersom julenissen ikke besøker muslimske, hinduistiske, jødiske og buddhistiske barn, reduserer dette arbeidsmengen til 15% av den totale mengden — 378 millioner i følge PRF (Population Reference Bureau). Med et snitt på 3,5 barn per husholdning, gir det 91,8 millioner hjem, om man går ut fra at det er minst ett snilt barn i hvert.

Timing
Julenissen har 41 timer å jobbe med på julaften, takket være de forskjellige tidssonene og jordas rotasjon, hvis vi går utifra at han reiser fra øst mot vest. Dette gir 822,6 besøk i sekundet, så for hver kristne husholdning har julenissen 1/1000-dels sekund på å parkere, stige ut av sleda, hoppe ned i pipa, fylle sokkene, distribuere de resterende gavene under juletreet, spise det godteriet som har blitt lagt ut, komme seg tilbake opp gjennom pipa og dra videre til neste hus.

Hvis vi går ut fra at hvert av disse 91,8 millioner stoppene er jevnt fordelt rundtomkring på jorda (som vi vet ikke stemmer, men for kalkuleringer aksepterer vi dette), snakker vi nå om 1,25 km per husholdning, en total reise på ca. 120 millioner mil, om vi ikke teller forskjellige stans for pauser, mat o.l. Dette betyr at julenissens slede beveger seg med 1040 km i sekundet, noe som er 3000 ganger raskere enn lyden. Som sammenlikning beveger det raskeste menneskeskapte kjøretøy, romsonden Ulysses seg med ca. 44 km i sekundet. Et vanlig reinsdyr kan løpe med maksimalt 24 kilometer i timen.

Vekt
Hvis vi går ut fra at hvert barn ikke får mer enn et middels Lego-sett (1 kilo), veier sleden ca 150 000 tonn, når vi ikke inkluderer julenissen, som er beskrevet som vanvittig feit. På land kan et vanlig reinsdyr trekke ca. 150 kilo. Selv om vi går ut ifra at flyvende reinsdyr kan trekke 10 ganger så mye, behøver julenissen 214 000 reinsdyr. Dette øker nyttelasten, når vi ikke tar med vekta på sleden, til 175 000 tonn

Fart
175 000 tonn med en fart på 1040 km i sekundet skaper en vanvittig luftmotstand. Dette vil varme opp reinsdyra på samme måte som romskip som kommer inn i jordas atmosfære. De forrerste reinsdyra vil absorbere 14,3 kvintillioner Joule energi. Per sekund. Hver av dem. De vil kort og godt ta fyr nærmest øyeblikkelig, fordampe, eksponere reinsdyra bak seg, og skape overdøvende lydbomber i kjølvannet. Hele reinsdyrflokken vil være utslettet innen 4,26 tusendels sekunder. Julenissen derimot vi være utsatt for sentrifugalkrefter 17 500,06 ganger større enn tyngekraften. En 125 kilos julenisse (som betyr at han er latterlig slank) vill være most ned i sleda si med en kraft på 2 150 000 kilo.

Konklusjon
Hvis julenissen noen gang leverte gaver på julaften, er han død for lenge siden. Grunnlag…

Denne forespørsel er basert på den forutsetning at det bare finnes en julenisse. Kalkulasjonene er mer realistiske dersom man går ut fra at det eksisterer litt parallell-prosessering. Tusen julenisser (1 kilonisse) eller en million (en meganisse) eller mer, som jobber parallellt, kunne utført samme antall besøk med mindre avansert teknologi (og færre fordampa reinsdyr)

En annen ting…
Hvem tar lufttrafikkontrollen for en meganisse? En million sleder og 12 millioner reinsdyr okkuperer ganske mye luftrom. Dersom vi går ut fra at hvert reinsdyrteam og nisse ikke trenger mer enn 1,5 meter vertikalt luftrom (som, gitt at kjente arter av reinsdyr med horn er godt og vel en og en halv meter høyt, gir lite plass for variasjoner), så vil en meganisse kreve nesten 475 kilometer vertikalt luftrom. Dette ser bort fra det faktum at hver julenisse må foreta hyppige landinger. Luftrommet ved pipehøyde vil ha et høyt behov og vil være uproposjonalt overlesset, spesielt ettersom julefeirende husholdninger har en tendens til å samle seg i de samme geografiske områder. Det virker mest sannsynlig at en meganisse, som kanskje unngår ville unngå reinsdyr som fordamper, ville lide under store døde fra kollisjoner i lufta.

Så da så…

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
 
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
 
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
 
Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
 
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
 
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
 
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
 
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
 
Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
 
Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.
 
When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.
 
The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.
 
Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
 
Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
 
When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
 
Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
 
Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
 
Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
 
Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
 
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.
 
Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!
 
Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.
 
Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.
 
Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius.
 
The world’s fastest car has 7 gears.  5, 6, and Chuck Norris.
 
The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat.
 
The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.
 
When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.
 
In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame
 
Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.
 
When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one
 
You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris
 
No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.
 
Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ”
 
On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.
 
Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”.
 
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
 
Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”.

Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete.
 
The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away
 
Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.
 
There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
 
Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.
 
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.
 
Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down
 
Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.
 
On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000.
 
The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.
 
Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.
 
Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
 
Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court.  He was known as Sir Beatdown.
 
Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself.  He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself.  He went undefeated.
 
In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.
 
Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.
 
Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris
 
Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.
 
Before sliced bread, people used to say “Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

“One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Chuck Norris! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘ChuckNorris’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!’”
 
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
 
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
 
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
 
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
 
Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
 
Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
 
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
 
Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
 
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
 
People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris